Onwards and Upwards!

Okay cats out of the bags!

2012-02-14T23:01:00.003Z

Okay, so the Stormtrooper costume is underway, and I'm looking at alternatives:

C3PO

ALWAYS wanted to do C3PO, as I can do the walk and talk. I'm told I'm looking at over a year to build and about £1200 - £2000 for a decent suit....that's IF I can even diet down to fit inside it!
That's the Holy Grail for costumes to be honest.

MARVIN

It'd have to be a build entirely from scratch, but it'd be fun if I could get the voice software into the costume. Heavy suit and a 2 man dressing job but it'd be so much fun!

BATMAN BEYOND
Never done a superhero costume as I don't have the height or build, but if the diet works out, I wouldn't mind a stab at this as it's more ninja than anything. The pic above is NOT how I'd do it - the fake muscles are a bit odd - I'd wear some padding but try to make it look authentic. COuld be fun. And probably the cheapest of all the suits too.

Chances are I'll do what I always do and just sell the trooper when I get skint again. But you never know.

Phew.

2012-02-14T22:32:00.002Z

Well, today came and went without any news. Which to me is a massive relief.

I'd rather no response than a negative one. I'm only trying to be myself again - the nice bloke. That' s all.

A contented silence is so much more preferable to another fight. I don't even mind if the gift went in the bin the moment it turned up, as long as I don't get told it did: path of least resistance. No drama, no grief. Just let it be. :)

I love you. All of you.

2012-02-13T23:57:00.002Z

I love you.

As it’s Valentines’ Day and I don’t really give or receive cards these days, I thought I’d write something to a select few members of the opposite sex, whom I know and appreciate.

In an attempt to avoid embarrassment and anything awkward, I won’t name names, but I’m sure that if one of the ladies mentioned below reads the paragraph relevant to them, they’ll definitely recognise that I’m talking to them.

My apologies if you don’t recognise yourself on here, but I’m not going to write about *every* female I know or I’d be here till next year. I’ll stick to those who have really made a major, unmissable impact in my life, in one way or another.

I don’t often get the opportunity to say things like this, and I’m sure its no secret that I’m quite emotionally guarded most of the time, so this seems to be a good way of doing it.

Love means many things to many people. But aside from the most common meaning – that of all-consuming devotion, Love can be subtle, admiring, thankful and just plain considerate too.

So without further ado, here is my Valentine’s Day honours list, in no particular order:

1. A few years ago, you approached me, totally out of the blue, with the biggest smile on your face, and asked me for a photograph, and told me that I was going to be some kind of celebrity one day. That act alone made me feel very special for a long, long time, and the short time I got to know you, I nearly ruined it all by declaring my love for you. We never became involved, but perhaps that’s for the best, as now I still feel good when I think of you. Your kind heart and eternal optimism inspires me and I want you to know that if you ever need help – any time, any day, anywhere – I’ll come running. I love you. X

2. For a while we were inseparable, though we never got romantically involved. I helped you through some very bad times, and you helped me. Despite being opposites, we talked a hell of a lot, laughed a lot and despite one or two periods of trouble and separation, we’re still talking and laughing and our word-play is almost a bigger turn-on than looking at you. You’re gorgeous, smart, passionate and completely batty and I would marry you at the drop of a hat, if it ever became possible (which I know it won’t, so relax!). I love you. X

3. I remember first talking to you while trying to explain that I was taking a picture of a sign full of bad grammar, and I realised I must have sounded like a complete nutter. But something clicked because you gave me your phone number. I just thought you were being polite and I never thought anything would come of it. I went home thinking at least I’d made a very pretty friend. But one thing led to another and to say you changed my life is a massive understatement. I’ve never trusted anyone more than I trust you. Thank you for looking past the short, oddball guy and seeing the real me. I love you. X

4. A long time ago, I helped you when you were going through a hellish time with a violent man. All I could do was be there to listen to you and be a friend. But then we fell in love with each other. Unfortunately, our lives were on different paths, and so we never got to be together, and only recently we found each other again. But still, thing sin both our lives prevents us from ever getting together, but knowing how you truly feel about me makes me feel very good inside. I love you. X

5. For the longest time we were pretty bitter enemies – although I used to look at you with your girls out on the town and think you were stunning. You disregarded me and I disliked you until through the magic of facebook and some mutual friends that kept us in contact, we discovered that our dislike was not only unfounded, but created artificially to keep us from talking! Since then we’ve shared very little other than messages online, but we’ve both come to know so much more about each other. You’ve helped me so much with my problems and I hope I can be there for you – but you seem to have sussed life out and you’re very happy and successful. But you can count on me to be in your corner if ever you need someone. I love you. X

6. I’m seeing a pattern here – like the other ladies here, we seemed to be doomed to be apart, but at least we did spend a few great months together. I met you a long time ago at a party, far away. I was surrounded by strangers and something definitely clicked – even though you’d planned to move very VERY far away before we even met, we couldn’t stop ourselves from falling in love with each other. Now we keep in semi-regular contact, and although I know we’re destined to remain apart, you’ve known me longer than almost anyone else, and I can always depend on you for advice and comfort. I love you. X

7. You offered me friendship and much more when I needed it most and the past few years you’ve become my confidant, therapist, hug dispenser and a good friend. I know I’m often thoughtless and sometimes withdrawn and grumpy as befits a bitter old git, but I really appreciate all that you’ve done and continue to do for me. For example, I hug my children more now than I used to because you’ve made it feel less awkward and strange, because I’m not the most tactile of guys. But I do love a hug these days. I love you. X

Now some one-liners…

8. We dated once – had good time, lost contact, now we chat. It’s fun. I love you. X

9. I chatted you up when I really shouldn’t have, but I’m glad I did. I love you.X

10. You look different every time I see you. You probably don’t realise it, but I love you. X

11. I wasn’t happy that I left you but I’m so glad we’re friends now. I love you. X

12. We seem to have lost contact…you know how much I like you! You’re so cute. I love you. X

13. Omelette, lots of wine and dvd’s in the dark. Good times. Where are you?! I love you. X

14. Sneaking away to get ‘trapped’ in the lift. Wonderfully naughty! I love you. X

15. Tequila in a hotel room. What else can I say? I love you. X

Happy Valentine’s day ladies. You’re all special to me in your own unique way.

Well, Ive done far more stupid things in my time...

2012-02-13T19:16:00.002Z

...so today I did something that:

Most of my friends would slap me for doing it,

A total stranger would think was sweet,

I thought was thoughtful and considerate

But something the recipient would (probably) hate me for - I'll find out tomorrow.
Or maybe I won't .

In any case, it was meant with the very best of intentions, whether appreciated or not.
I could've stuck my nose up and played the hard case, but being nice (for nice read soft/stupid) is in my DNA.

Sorry for having a heart, in that case.

300 mile round trip for a drink.

2012-02-12T22:16:00.005Z

Ok, so me and my brother went to London... I'm thinking I gotta start travelling more on my own.

I'm not the best map reader, and often lose my place, and then bro misses the turnings, gets shouty, I shout back and then there's seething silence.

Then in the pub we're talking and I realised that our conversations always seem to go this way:

HE repeats his VERY very long stories, regardless of whether I know the tale, or opines at length about stuff that clearly he's the authority on. Like everything.

Then when I get to talk, it's sarcastic jibes aimed at me at every sentence.
e.g:

I tell him I was riding a bike once, he butts in with: "Bet it was pink with a basket on the front! hurhur!"

I continue with - I was hit by a taxi cab and knocked off the bike... he says: "bet the cabbie picked you up and had you in the back of his car! hur hur!"

I say, I went to hospital, he adds: "hur hur! bet you asked for a rectal examination!"

Yawn. Is it any wonder I get stroppy?

Next morning, I say I want to go to the Shaun Of The Dead location in Hornsey. He sighs and says, "Why? It's a bit sad, innit? I don't do nerdy things like that..."
I remind him that his multitude of anecdotes about rock stars is his own 'geekery'. He insists it's different, because he doesn't want to visit Ozzy Osbourne's house. Even though he went all the way to Mexico to drink in Tommy Lee's bar. Hmph. But that's 'different', innit?

So.... I get my pics and video done and then I say, okay, I'm sorted. What do you want to do? He huffs. "I can't be arsed."

"Wanna go into london city centre?" - Nah.
"Wanna go into Cricklewood, see the town of our childhood?" - Nah, can't be bothered.

So Ok, we drive home at about 11am. Really wasn't worth the trip.

I'll do it myself next time. I can cope with having nobody to talk to for two days.

Ok, short deviation into the past..

2012-02-12T19:54:00.004Z

I won't go on aobut this, but I'm totally disappointed in myself. I realised that nasty TF guy has probably more contact with my ex than I do now. I've 'successfully' made her hate my guts, which is the last thing I wanted. I'm not proud of it and I'm incredibly sorry for all I've done to let this situation deteriorate. If it's any consolation, miss, I don't blame you for hating me now. I've acted ridiculously, and wanted to buy that statue back as some kind of apology/repayment for the pp dispute. :(

Tour 2012 : trip #1 is a go!

2012-02-10T23:03:00.003Z

Off to London tomorrow! woo as they say.

It's weird, innit? I'm now 42 so that means I've lived in Wales for over 3 decades, and London for the first ten years, and I don't have much memory of the first 3 or so years, obviously, but why am I still tied to that place?

Even stranger if you think back in the 1970's, we had very few photos and absolutely no video footage of my childhood, not like today - my kids lives have been documented in photos both old-school and digital, VHS videos and digital footage, but hardly anything of my life except for memories really.

To this day, I still don't feel tied to Wales but my brothers do. I feel like a drifter, nowhere has really made me feel like I was home to rest. Well there was Somerset for a time, that made me feel like, 'this is where I belong, where I'm going to live out my life', but sadly that's not going to happen now. I quite liked the Isle Of Wight too. Peaceful and a bit pretty.

But the London Underground, with it's recycled warm dusty air smell, the crowds and the tall buildings, quiet suburbs and mixed cultures takes me back to my childhood - I was poor but as far as I remember, pretty happy.

Got to get my yearly fix of London though. I guess I'll never understand why but I love it.

"Maybe it's because I'm a Landaner...that I laaaave Landan town...."

On Sunday, I plan to drag my brother over to the streets wher ethey filmed Shaun Of The Dead, and do the walk across to 'Nelson's' corner shop to get a cornetto.

My brother asked "why??"

I replied: "Geek Holy Grail. Like posing on the Zebra crossing on Abbey Road" but he doesn't really get it.

Still....

"...would anybody like.....a peanut?"

:)

Blade Runner : Still perfect after all these years

2012-02-10T01:22:00.002Z

I once got drunk (around 1999) in my flat and put on my Blade Runner VHS.

As I sat there alone in the dark, it dawned on me just how beautiful and perfect the film was. Every shot - you could tell Ridley Scott had painstakingly tweaked the most minute detail.

Then Rachael came on screen, played by Sean Young.

I only found out today how inexperienced and nervous she was, but her performance, aided by her beauty, is poetry. She's confident, cold, afraid, lost, passionate and naive in the most subtle and convincing of ways. To do that on a set filled with bickering crew, a perfectionist British director struggling against time and money, and a powerhouse of an actor in Harrison Ford, she just exudes professionalism.

I won't even go into who she reminds me of, I guess that's pretty obvious! And apt timing too:

Gaff: You've done a man's job, sir. I guess you're through, huh?
Deckard: Finished.
Gaff: It's too bad she won't live! But then again, who does?
Deckard: [narrating] Gaff had been there, and let her live. Four years, he figured. He was wrong. Tyrell had told me Rachael was special. No termination date. I didn't know how long we had together... Who does?

Well, I could go on and on, but I've already been really inspired to write a short story about one of the other 'Blade Runner' cops. Only to put the visual aspect across effectively, I really wonder if I could do it economically without pages of description? Hmmm.

Still, what a brilliant film.

And I just love that message - one that says, 'look, if you find something/someone worthwhile, just enjoy it because nobody knows how long they have left'.

Night, all.

Limited postal success.... : /

2012-02-09T18:12:00.002Z

Well, tons of DVD's and a few stormy bits have come thru the post, but not my lids that I bought!

Blimey...I ordered them before Xmas, gorrammit!

Well they'll be here this week, I'm reliably informed. Boots painted up and it'll be good to build a stormy lid or two for the first time in ages.

IF I can escape the deluge of pokings I seem to be getting - from married women who *should* know better, and even one guy! He's got a girlfriend too..hmm. They need to talk!

heh.

Project MGT is underway. Done most of the prep work, now it's the donkey work to do. Think I've got help with that. Should be great fun though.

Project BBS is still on drawing board. Trying to decide if I'd ever wear such an extreme costume very much, and where would I wear it anyway??

Project VOC is winding down. Well, it could easily pick up again, will have to see about that.

UK Tour 2012 is taking shape!

2012-02-08T22:45:00.003Z

Hmm, working on the tour is going to be fun and tricky, and hopefully not expensive...

Places on the tour - London, Oxford, Dorset, Salisbury, Hereford, Nottingham, (possibly scotland), and mid-wales, Southampton, Hastings, Corsham... and that's all I can think of so far.

Then Tunisia and Benidorm...if I'm not dead by then!

I love travelling though... it'll be good to do it and not have to starve.

In other news, I think my casting/moulding thing is at an end. Long story but this is not something that bothers me in all honesty.

Busy as ever, despite trying not to be!

2012-02-07T22:01:00.002Z

Well, I made a resolution in Jan to make sure I limit my projects this year, so I'm not doing too much all at once.

Unfortunately for me, my brain is continually coming up with concepts for new projects all the time - books, short stories, costumes, sculpts and more.

But now, I have a part time job which is supposed to prevent me doing all this! But it actually makes me think of more because now I have the funds to make some of these come true!

Oh well. Got an idea for a superhero costume that I might just be able to pull off as long as I stick to the diet!

But that one's staying hush-hush for now.

AND the Benidorm shirts. And the top trumps. And the trooper. And 'The Final Rite' and 'Control'. And M25. And Vocs. And Marvin. And Voicework. And the gambly game artwork...etc.!

must stick more in the diary!

Talking of which, I'm going to Pirate up this July for a big event. Should be fun, but I'm going on my todd!

Ooh! It's regenerated!

2012-02-07T19:15:00.003Z

It's time for change. I didn't really want to spend 2012 in a darkened blog of despair.
Life's too - well, it's not exactly *short* but it's too important to stay down in the mouth over matters in which I have no control.

So - Onwards and Upwards! Or EXCELSIOR! As Stanley Leibowitz says.

What will we do here?

Well, the plan is to think positive and forge ahead with projects, friendships, thoughts and feelings and generally remind myself of the happy, caring but also carefree guy I used to be not so long ago.

This is NOT the place for wallowing, whining or crying. Those days are over. Onwards. Stuff.

GO!

**NB: Every post before this, while wrapped in the happy purpleness, used to be called 'Dire-Log' which was a very dark, brooding and pain-filled place to be. They'll remain here for posterity, but that's history now. Thank you for listening. ***

2013....

2012-02-05T23:10:00.000Z

I don't wanna do this any more.

2012-02-05T19:36:00.004Z

Up, down. On off, friends, enemies. silence, noise. Pain...

I don't want this grief any more.

I'm not trying to score points, hurt anyone, or get the last word.

I just want the hostility to stop. (don't you?)

I thought it had.

I've *accepted* it's all over. I want to move on, with or without you in my life...I just want to move on.

(don't you?)

You've got so much going on in your own life right now. I don't want to add to it - doesn't your life take up enough time? FOcus on your stuff.

You've refunded me. Thank you.

I promised I'd not bother you again after that payment. And I'll stick to it - as before, with the proviso that you STOP discussing (and dissing) me publicly.

You don't need another disgruntled ex in the closet do you? Then stop withthe silly, give me a break and we'll all just fade into each other's past. No hassles, no more pain. Isn't that what you want?

Let's BOTH stop this. We're better than that, and despite the situation now, we used to be grown ups.

No more bickering, no more point-scoring. No more petty ebay stuff.

Leave it. Please.

"Take me back in time maybe I can forget
Turn a different corner and we never would have met..."

She opened up the wound again, not me -

2012-02-05T15:36:00.008Z

I was moving on, I really was. I accepted radio silence! I was beginning to calm down - and off you go again, playing the victim and blogging about how 'evil' I am for simply asking for a refund. Bloody hell. Talk about mountains out of molehills.

Listen, ALL I WANT is for you to get through your bad patch and be happy. I never wanted any of this bitterness, but you can't keep throwing stuff like this at me and not expect me to respond! Go away! forget me! If you want me out of your hair, you're not doing a very good job of it!!!

Can't you let it go now? I'm trying to - please! stop this madness! I don't enjoy it, and I'm sure you don't either.

hya hya hyaa!

2012-02-03T20:45:00.002Z

/

2012-01-24T09:31:00.000Z

Sooooo, from now on...

2012-01-23T19:08:00.004Z

... I won't post anything directed at you.

PROVIDED you don't make comments and remarks about me ('just a boy fixated...')

deal?

If you leave me out f your online discussions, I'll leave you off this blog, ok?

Totally up to you now.
T

Proof of Karma

2012-01-23T18:05:00.002Z

I can prove Karma works.

today, things went from bad to worse and despite my only trying to tell my side of the story, I'm now branded the insensitive villain.

(Im pretty sure the ex got her current load of misfortune from Karma too.)

But the Universe must've judged my actions/words as being in the wrong too, because I've lost almost a years' worth of work on my third novel.

So there you go. I don't thinkI've got the strength to start this one again. It won't be as good. And what's the point anyway? Not like anyone's buying the bloody books apart from 20 close friends.

Okay Karma, give us all a break mate?

get a room!

2012-01-23T18:00:00.002Z

Nothing better than watching the long-term boyfriend squirm in uncomfortable forced politeness while his gf gushes all over her ex right in front of him.

I often wonder if he'll explode and scream 'FFS! get a room!!!"

In other news...

2012-01-23T12:59:00.002Z

My solicitor promises to help me in my battle to keep another mad ex from attacking me.

Phew. I'm getting dissed from all sides and guess what?

My so-called best friend is nowhere to be seen. Not a call, text, poke or email in months.

and if you're going to say "why don't you contact him?' well I did. he basically made excuses and said he was too busy.

fml

oh no, it's me, isn't it?

2012-01-23T12:49:00.003Z

It's official:

All my ex-girlfriends are nutjobs. Every one.

They weren't mad when I met them (or they hid it well) but they were certainly mad after we split.

The only common denominator is me.

I guess I drive them up the wall. Blimey.

now the dislike phase arrives...

2012-01-23T10:02:00.004Z

Yep, now she's actively disliking me.

I've been called 'fixated' about her.

But she's the one on medication and undergoing therapy.

Well, yes, I am mad too- for thinking she WAS the wonderful angel that I knew - it was all lies and bullshit really.

Let's compare two quotes from her - from last year and today:

"I love you so deeply, so completely, that I feel you in every atom of my being. We're soulmates..."

compared to today's sonnet:

"I don't love you and it's not going to come back. We're not getting back together. I don't love you. Goodbye."

Now, I'll never side with or condone violence to women in any form, but she's doing her best to make me wonder just how bad her evil ex was - I've experienced the total shutdown of her friendship and emotions, the distant behaviour, the cold disinterest. just as he complained of.

No, I'll never want to physically harm her - she's doing a brilliant job of that by herself.
It does make me wonder when I read the PINK quote above - was that the truth?

If it was the truth - then she IS cold and heartless, shutting off her emotions instantly.
If it was untrue, then she's a useless liar.

Like I said, it's a tragedy. We were brilliant for each other and coul'dve had it all. But as I've always believed, the best looking girls are deep-down, shallow, petulant liars who have had a lifetime of getting their own way just for being pretty, and will soon revert to the petty, weak and malicious little brats that they always were.

"Waah! You hurt me - I'm going to punish you!"

And so she did. repeatedly. Grow up, missy. I thought you were a responsible adult, and better than that. Guess I was wrong.

Bad times again, hence the new spate of blogging

2012-01-22T21:25:00.002Z

Okay, here I go again.

it's finally, finally over.

(and yes, I know I've said it before.)

But after this morning's events, I've finally done what I tried unsuccessfully to do a few months ago - and that's tell her I won't be bothering her ever again.

We were getting on well recently. I thought we were at the start of a sensible friendly basis, but I knew deep inside that the only reason I wanted to stay friends with her was becaue I was hoping she'd remember the good times and consider having me back at soem point in the future.

But she's so utterly destroyed now, mentally and emotionally, (not my doing btw, her evil ex) that she has no recollection of me being nice to her, and she has to mistrust and deny me at every turn.

I've been turning into the Annoying, Jealous Ex - something I swore I wouldn't do.

I've been hanging onto the memory of her - something I swore I wouldn't do.

I've really tried all I can to move on and be nice to her but whether it's the horrible place she's in mentally right now, or the simple truth that she didn't really care as much for me as I was led to believe and that she HAS gone cold on me and sees me as just an annoying ex who won't go away.

So I've gone. Told her I won't bother her - for my sanity's sake as well as hers. She is not in a healthy frame of mind right now and doesn't need my added input or hassle, and I will go off my nut too unless I move on with my life and consign it to the history books.

I love her and always will, and do not wish her any ill will, but this has to happen now.

I offered her everything she wanted, children, support, security, my moving AWAY from my own children to be with her and she turned it all down.

There is only so many times I can have my heart broken and I can't take it any more.
Tragic. Painfully tragic and sad, but we need to BOTH move on. It's harder for me, much harder, but I know I've exhausted all options and possibilities. I will never get treated fairly by her, so that's that.

The best thing of my life has now become the worst tragedy of my life.

checklist for TK #3

2012-01-05T22:23:00.002Z

lid - in transit
E11 - GOT (needs assembly)
Boots - in transit
Gloves -
Holster -
Neckseal - In transit
Belt - GOT
Undersuit -
Armour -
Snaps/Straps -
Glues -

Fitting. Very inspiring for a modern pop song...

2011-12-27T20:40:00.001Z

"Nobody's Perfect"

When I'm nervous I have this thing, yeah, I talk too much
Sometimes I just can't shut the hell up
It's like I need to tell someone, anyone who'll listen
And that's where I seem to fuck up

Yeah, I forget about the consequences
For a minute there I lose my senses
And in the heat of the moment my mouth starts going
The words start flowing, oh

But I never meant to hurt you
I know it's time that I learned to
Treat the people I love like I wanna be loved
This is a lesson learned

I hate that I let you down
And I feel so bad about it
I guess karma comes back around
'Cause now I'm the one that's hurting, yeah

And I hate that I made you think
That the trust we had is broken
Don't tell me you can't forgive me
'Cause nobody's perfect
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, nobody's perfect, no

If I could turn back the hands of time
I swear I never would've crossed that line
I should of kept it between us
But, no, I went and told the whole world how I feel and oh

So I sit and I realize
With these tears falling from my eyes
I gotta change if I wanna keep you forever
I promise that I'm gonna try

But I never meant to hurt you
I know it's time that I learned to
Treat the people I love like I wanna be loved
This is a lesson learned

I hate that I let you down
And I feel so bad about it
I guess karma comes back around
'Cause now I'm the one that's hurting, yeah

And I hate that I made you think
That the trust we had is broken
So don't tell me you can't forgive me
'Cause nobody's perfect
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, nobody's perfect

I'm not a saint, no, not at all, but what I did, it wasn't cool
But I swear that I'll never do that again to you, oh
I'm not a saint, no, not at all, but what I did, it wasn't cool
But I swear that I'll never do that again to you, yeah

I hate that I let you down
And I feel so bad about it
I guess karma comes back around
'Cause now I'm the one that's hurting, yeah

And I hate that I made you think
That the trust we had is broken
So don't tell me you can't forgive me
'Cause nobody's perfect, no

I hate that I let you down
And I feel so bad about it
I guess karma comes back around
'Cause now I'm the one that's hurting, yeah

And I hate that I made you think
That the trust we had is broken
So tell me you can forgive me
'Cause nobody's perfect, yeah, yeah, whoa

Don't tell me, don't tell
Don't tell me you can't forgive me
No, no, no, no
'Cause nobody's perfect, no

Life + Universe + Everything = 42

2011-12-19T21:43:00.002Z

At 08:20am tomorrow, I turn 42.

I know I look younger than that. I definitely act younger, and I don't really feel any different than when I was a teenager. Although I can't run very far without feeling like a coronary has begun.

From Jan 1st, I'm resolving to look younger, eat healthier, drink less and generally make everyone say "bloody hell, you haven't aged at all!"

Just in time for the world to end on Dec 21st 2012.

harhar.

I will RULE , next year. You see if I don't!!!

:)

Time to stop?

2011-12-13T23:21:00.005Z

I'm thinking about closing this blog down now.

While it's helped me vent my sadness and frustration, I feel like I'm only hurting her more, annoying her more, and that's the last thing I wanted to become; the annoying ex.

Nothing I post on here will make her like me any more. She's forging ahead in a life that doesn't include me, and while I sit here, sadly remembering the love of my life, there's nothing I can do to get what I want - and all that is, is forgiveness and a chance to try again.

In this blog, I've run the gamut from bliss to despair, suicidal thoughts, anger, fear, worry and everything else. It's made exactly zero impact on her heart.

I wish I could successfully switch the memory of her off like she's done to me, but I cant. I just can't.

I just have to face a life with this heaviness in my heart, from now until...well, probably until I die. I can't forget her, I can't un-remember it all. And I don't want anyone else. While we both live on this planet, there's a hope, a tiny, miniscule atom-sized grain of hope that we'll meet again face to face. Maybe we'll be in our sixties or older. I will wait in hope for that day.

But she changed me forever. First from a loser to the happiest I ever was, and now back to a man who's lost it all and can never 'move on' because nobody else comes close to the stunning brightness that she was to me.

And going on about it on here is achieving nothing at all, save for underlining my pathetic dreams.

Vous etres belle....

2011-12-13T21:39:00.001Z

He only knew her 4 a little while,
but he had grown accustomed 2 her style
She had the cutest ass he'd ever seen
He did 2, they were meant 2 be
They loved 2 kiss on the steps of Versailles
It looked like rain, mama, birds do fly
I love u baby, I love u so much,
maybe we can stay in touch
Meet me in another world, space and joy,
vous etres tres belle, mama, girls and boys

He gave her all the love that anyone can,
but she was promised 2 another man
He tried so hard not 2 go insane
Birds do fly, looks like rain
I love u baby, I love u so much,
Maybe we can stay in touch
Meet me in another world, space and joy,
vous etes tres belle, mama, girls and boys

Life is precious baby, love is so rare
I can take the breakup if u say that u care
He had 2 run away, his pride was 2 strong
It started raining, baby, the birds were gone

I love u baby, I love u so much
Maybe we can stay in touch?
Meet me in another world, space and joy
vous etes tres belle, mama
girls and boys

The happiness Scale: Common ground?

2011-12-13T20:10:00.002Z

I had an idea today about how things could improve a bit.
Well, I guess they'd improve for me a bit at least.

Presenting the Happiness Scale:

The faces represent me and her and our current moods.
Right now we're at the bottom : out of touch (or to be accurate, ever so slightly above that.)
She's happy now while I'm unhappy. She'd be happier the less contact we have, while I'd be happier the more we have - WITH RULES IN PLACE.

Basically, I want us to be 'Itemised' (and I want her to be happiest too, but as it stands, she doesn't want that, hence the sad face.)

I'm wondering if we could meet in the middle at least?
It starts with more contact between us - a basic friendship - which will only work if we add the RULES, which are...

SHE keeps news and pics about her romantic involvements out of my sight, (basically show a little respect and tact - a doubly good idea, given the legal implications too)

I keep the conversation and content of our conversations clear of sentiment, whining and emotional news.

Wonder if that could work?

It could I guess, but as I say, she'd probably prefer it if I just disappeared totally. She wants to find another guy (oh she'll quickly forget/excuse her self-imposed abstinence if one comes along...) and I don't want any other girl except her.

But if we can agree to treat each other with kid gloves for a while, we might be able to salvage some kind of simplistic friendship, where we both retain a friend at the very least.

Hmm. I wonder if it'd work?

Is it wrong to care?

2011-12-13T18:56:00.003Z

blimey.

Dick-boy has made public declarations of being on illegal drugs twice, knocking her door at 2am, now admitting to a night in police custody.

Add the the smoochy drunken nightclub pics..

If someone with a twat-for-a-face added this all together, it'd help their case along nicely. Risky environment for a toddler? Regardless of how it REALLY is, this could be (mis)construed as how it is.

Should I just mind my business, and watch as things go horribly wrong, or get shouted at for showing concern?

sigh

2011-12-12T22:16:00.002Z

I'm not obsessing. I'm not trying to force anything.

I'm just the same old me, happily remembering how much fun we had.
A year of no arguments or fights, just good times in sun and rain,
laughter and walks and food and passion.

So sue me if I refuse to forget all that.
It was lovely, and it was true and it was the best days of my life bar none.

And I can't see why those days have to stop. I really can't.

2011-12-12T22:07:00.003Z

You seem to be looking for more and more reasons to think of yourself as a victim now.

But you've survived! You're free! You've got lots of friends and a bright future now!

You're NOT damaged any more! You're not hated, disadvantaged, stalked or persecuted!

The horrors of the past will keep hauntung you if you constantly state how much they hurt you!

I'm being told to move on - so should you!

Can't you see? the horrible things you fear are all in your mind now, forcing you to feel persecuted when they don't even exist!

Let's put the past in the past where it belongs? Hold my hand once more and we'll step forward into a bright new world where nobody can hurt us again! What do you think?
There's no reason to be scared any more!

so close

2011-12-12T19:41:00.001Z

yet so far away.

Might as well be a light year. Dammit!

Why am I feeling like she thinks I'm a threat to her safety/lifestyle/sanity/emotions?

All I want to do is help her get what she wants!

Trepidation.

2011-12-11T23:58:00.002Z

Fear.
Scared.

What IS she afraid of?

Most women ask for the same few attributes in a man: good heart, genuine, trust, kindness, loyalty. reliability. Devotion.

I have NEVER failed in any of this.

Will I cheat on her? Never. (I'm sure the multitudinous posts on this blog will have already said that.)
Will I hurt her? Physically, never. Mentally, only if being honest disagrees with her. But I've offered her (time and time again) EVERYTHING SHE EVER WANTED AND MORE!

Will I take up /drain her time and attention and sanity?

No. I'll help her make/find more time to do the things she wants to do. I'll help her with day to day stuff. I'll help her afford the things she needs, I'll mind smallboy so she can take time to pursue her dreams.

Will I resent her?
No I'll be eternally grateful for giving me this chance of happiness. I'll love her for being the mother of a mutually loved and WANTED child. I'll respect her, I'll protect her. I'll do my best for her until the day I die.

Will she regret taking me back?
Never. Because she's the centre of my universe. I'm stable. Devoted. Trustworthy. Protective and loyal. Focussed on our lifetime of happiness together.

So the question remains....

WHAT ARE YOU SCARED OF?

I won't stop you from being your own person. I'm on YOUR side. I'm your biggest fan and your most loyal friend. I love you more than I've ever loved a woman. I love you so deeply, it feels like an impending amputation to think you want me out of your life. You made me better. You healed my broken spirit. Let me heal you. Please.

++ANSWERING MESSAGE++

2011-12-10T09:21:00.001Z

The author of Dire-Log will be away for the weekend.

Please leave any hate-mail and crushingly bad news after the beep.
er...beep.

cripes.

2011-12-09T10:06:00.001Z

Nothing says, 'I love you' more than getting wasted on booze & drugs and frightening the crap out of a girl at 2am.

And you prefer his company to mine? :/
Good choice, love.

And So I Will Wait For You

2011-12-08T18:31:00.000Z

Last night your eyes were telling me
What words could never say
You needed room to breathe
You needed time to get away

It’s the way of a young heart
And I know how you feel
Your dreams are real and I would never hold you
Against your will

And so I will wait for you
Just as long as you want me to

Today I woke up wondering
Was I right or was I wrong?
Did I really need to let you go?
Did I need to act so strong?

Is it the way of a fool’s heart
To agree to set you free?
But all I know is if our love’s real
Then you’ll come on back to me

And so I will wait for you
Just as long as you want me to
And so I will wait for you
I know you’ll come through
I hope you find the things you need
Are the things you had with me
And so I will wait for you

When I look out the window
-And I see a stranger go walking by
I always imagine that it might be you next time

It’s the way of a young heart
And I know how you feel
Your dreams are real and I would never hold you
-against your will

And so I will wait for you
Just as long as you want me to

And so I will wait for you
You’ll come through
I hope you find the things you need
Are the things you had with me

at a crossroads, but the choices aren't so easy.

2011-12-07T22:37:00.002Z

I've been asked out by two women recently, one a few weeks ago the other tonight.
Both very nice girls, who I would *normally* be very interested in.

A few weeks ago, I took the first one out for an evening. It went ok, but my head and heart weren't in it - Either she was a little bland or most likely, my thoughts were elsewhere. No prizes for guessing where.

Tonight another rather nice girl showed some interest. I don't want to hang on to a dream that might never happen, nor do I want to hurt anyone else. But I know what I want - and that's the girl who I'm assuming doesn't want me. What do I do?!?!

I miss my ex so much. I know we can be happy. I love her more now than I did before we broke up. But there is not a tiny grain of evidence that she misses, cares, thinks or wants me any more. But try telling my heart that!

I can't let the memory of her go. God, I wish she missed me as much as I miss her. Christmas would be a real miracle if I could just be given one more try.

This new girl has done nothing wrong, but I'm terrified that I'll start something with her then hurt her by telling her I'm not over my ex. Or we'll get on great guns and I'll have destroyed any tiny remote chance of being available for my ex.

People tell me she doesn't love me any more, and that she doesn't appreciate or even deserve my time or concern. But she was the one for me. I beleive I was the one for her - we just got broken up by misguided, overemotional decisions and we weren't synchronised enough to talk it through at the same time.

Fuck!
Fuck, fuck, fuck, FUCK!

Would it hurt her to try once more for the sake of the perfect love we once had? for the sake of showing the world we were (and still probably are) soulmates???

Argh! Karma/God/Bod/Cosmos/Stars/ Fate/Mum - if any of you are out there at all and have ANY sway in these matters, PLEASE give us one more try! We both deserve a happy ending, and this would be the best thing in my life, without a doubt. To have my girl back in my arms.

Oh fuck it, I'm crying pointless ly again.

not my words...but they fit perfectly.

2011-12-07T20:44:00.002Z

I would be a coward and a liar if I said that I didn’t love you.

Love is a frightening thing; it entails laying your heart on a cutting board, handing someone a knife, yet trusting that they won’t use it.

Giving my love to you means giving you the power to hurt me more than anyone can or has ever had the ability to. It is then expected – no, required – that if you accept this love of mine, you understand these things.

You must summon the courage to assume the responsibility of the precious gift you hold.

But somehow it seems incorrect to call my love a gift – you have earned every loving thought, every kind word, every caring gesture. ‘Giving’ love to you implies that you don’t deserve it, and that couldn’t be further from the truth. Love is the most valuable thing I have in this world and I wouldn’t just give it away.

You are my everything.

I never believed in love at first sight and I still don’t, but ours is probably as close as it can get. It all happened so fast, we happend so fast… We failed each other. But we could make it work for a long time if only you'd let it.

I love you. I always have and I always will. If I could put my feelings into one word, I wouldn’t be able to do it, because what we had is greater than that.

If at times it seems like I don’t care about you or about your feelings, I’m sorry. I do care. Everytime you are down and troubled and mad or whatever, I feel the same way, but worse because I can’t be there help you. I try to 'move on' but it’s just too hard.

But always and no matter what, count on me, because I’ll be here and I know you know it too. I hope someday I will marry you and we’ll be happy, but right now you just can't see a future for us. I’ll be yours forever. Just trust me once more. Just once. ♥

2011-12-07T19:31:00.002Z

All I want is for things to be back as they were.

I'm not trying to score points, diss anyone, confuse or hurt her.

I just want us to be sharing life together, happy and discussing hte best way forward. I haven't attacked or cheated on her, I just made a decision that I regretted later. Why couldn't we have discussed it a bit better instead of splitting up?

Things could go back to the way they were instantly with no hard feelings. Oh gawd, why can't I get a tiny bit of forgiveness? Am I that bad?

and as ever, the other wave hits me....

2011-12-07T18:28:00.003Z

...the one where (I can't describe it as positive OR negative these days) I miss her.

Soooooooooooooooooooooooooo much.

We both deserve happiness. Mine involves her in my life, hers - well the weight of evidence says hers involves anyone BUT me. But we could be happy together, of course we could. Why why why not?!!?

Hmph. :' (

Concern is a one-way street , these days.

2011-12-06T21:17:00.002Z

I worry about her now, quite a lot.

Not that she's incapable - she's far better at coping with lots of things than me, but I know how she can feel down or lost or worried, and I wish I was there for her, to at least give her a hug and do something silly to cheer her up.

But I know it doesn't work the other way. She wouldn't be bothered if anything happened to me. She'd probably shrug. And skip off across the fields with a chav.

Okay, bitter and childish. But pretty much true, right?

Kermie sez.....

2011-12-06T20:23:00.000Z

And that'd be me, btw.

Damn, that phone's quiet now.

2011-12-05T23:54:00.002Z

I'll admit: sometimes, three phone calls a day, every day would exasperate me. Not because I didn't want to speak to her, but because I often ran out of things to say, sometimes repeating myself to fill the silences.

She never really said much, preferring to listen to me in silence, and sometimes I just wanted to say, "Babe. You know I love you so much. But you gotta either talk to me a bit more or call me less - just give me some time to do more stuff to tell you about!"

Often I'd get a call at 9am. Tell her how I slept and what I plan to do that day. Then another in the afternoon, I'd tell her what I'd done and what I plan to do in the evening. Then another around 10pm, I tell her what I've done all day, telling the same tale all over again. Not too much happens in the space of a few hours and I'd just ramble on trying to be entertaining, and hope she wasn't nodding off - she did, once or twice!

Perhaps though, it was another sign that our relationship was one-sided as I've come to realise? In a phone call, it was me doing all the giving, and her doing the taking. I didn't really mind it back then though, as I got a nice warm sense of contact, trust and security from her.

I do miss that now. Going to bed feels sort of missing something without a sexy sweet voice on the end of the phone saying "ello, you alright?" in my ear. I'd love one of those calls again one day.

looking at the future...

2011-12-05T13:41:00.004Z

..I suppose now, that all hope is lost, I have to think about how, if at all, I'll deal with a future relationship.

I think my brain is still in 'bachelor/celibate/done with women mode' but sooner or later (probably later, if the past is anything to go by) I might meet someone and then I'll have to decide on a lot of things.

I've got to accept, for example, that this woman and the relationship will NEVER be as good, as perfect or as fun as my last one.

I have to realise that although she might be nice enough, my heart will never turn somersaults like it did with [leela].

I'll never have that constant smile and I'll never look over at her and sigh in utter disbelief at how gorgeous she is - and that she's with me.

I'll have to try and put my ex out of my mind and realise that this one is the current gf, so make the best of it. This is the problem: Once you've had perfection, everything else, no matter how close, is not going to measure up.

In short: I have to accept second best.

But I suppose I have to try. What else can a guy do when he's not wanted by the one he wants?

even though time has passed....

2011-12-04T21:53:00.002Z

eventhough time has passed....

There's a ring that fits you perfectly and a man that loves you endlessly. Still yours if you want them.

2011-12-04T15:51:00.001Z

I don't like you very much today.

Status update:

2011-12-02T23:56:00.001Z

"It doesn't matter what you go through,

but what you get from what you go through.

Never give up; there is hope for you if you believe..."

-William Ankrah

Angel

2011-12-02T20:05:00.001Z

everlast lyrics

2011-12-02T19:33:00.002Z

Look at how she move
Look at how she sway
Standing in her pumps and her lingerie
Comment allez-vous, parlez-vous francais
Don't know how to act, don't know what to say
Need a genie and a wish in the very worst way
This type of shit happens everyday
Type of love I feel, it's so for real
So genuine, it's so sublime
Baby workin' it putting on a show for me
Standing over me, I smell pot pourri
Take it any place that you wanna go with me
Just come talk to me like Jodeci
Got pain in my heart never goes away
Baby girl do you really wanna feel it
You got a lot at stake and a promise to make
And a kiss from your lips could seal it

I'll be there for you babe
I'll be the one that you need
I'll be the man that will love you
I'll be there for you babe

Another loose nut pain in your gut
Relationship gone down
In a battle of booze you manifest your blues
Put on your face and hit the town
Now that skin tight dress baby might impress
the kind of man that you might not like
First time up with no luck and confusion
Got you gambling with just one strike
You need more than conversation and introduction calls
You need someone to catch you when you fall
You fly like an eagle when you fight
Cause you're on my mind

I'll be there for you babe
I'll be the one that you need
I'll be the man that will love you
I'll be there for you babe

Look at how she sway
Look at how she move
Time to show him who don't disturb the groove
She's got hazel eyes and hair that's gold
An amazing heart and an angel's soul
She used to be a sinner, but now she's saved
She's well respected and she's well behaved
Her fuse is short, her legs are long
Her temper's mean, her will is strong
Her love's so real, her love's so deep
Her love's so true, it's so hard to keep
Her scent is sweet, her beauty is rare
When we walk down the street people stop and stare
She's so damn smart, she's one of a kind
She's a work of art, she's a priceless wine
She's a drama queen, she's a friend of mine
She's every man's dream and she's.....( mine, all mine)

I'll be there for you babe
I'll be the one that you need
I'll be the man that will love you
I'll be there for you babe

short poem.

2011-12-02T17:27:00.001Z

"He's just a friend..and nothing more"
but that's all revealed to be lies by a coldsore. :/

Nobody knows.....And Everybody knows!

2011-12-01T22:11:00.001Z

Do I ever....?

2011-12-01T21:59:00.001Z

eventhough time has passed....

2011-11-30T21:29:00.003Z

There's a ring that fits you perfectly and a man that loves you endlessly. Still yours if you want them.

Something I forgot to say.

2011-11-29T23:06:00.003Z

Can't believe I forgot to mention this...

Of all the brilliant things I loved about being with her, one of the best was the total peace of mind that comes from 100% trust and respect and with that... something I'v enever ever felt with anyone else:

The feeling that we're sharing the same thoughts.

Whether walking down the street in silence, sitting in front of the TV, lying in bed or making love, it felt like we were so completely in tune. Synchronised. Feeling the same feelinds too. Like we were part of the same person. I've never felt that before and I doubt I ever will.

Perhaps part of the bad feelings come from the thoughts in my head that we're not sharing that now. What I want is so far removed from what she wants that we've been disconnected, ripped apart. That's not good.

What you want...is not what I need but what they say I need.

2011-11-28T21:29:00.003Z

A slight feeling of a swing in my emotions this past two days...

I've felt the tiniest, tiniest feeling that my sadness is lifting.

While this does feel like a relief to me, I'm sure it'll be even more of a good thing to her if she knew this - she'd see it as getting what she wants now - me to 'move on' and forget her. Or at least move into the frame of mind where I can accept it's all over and think of her as a mere acquaintance.

For me, it's bitter-sweet:

Half of it is needed - the (very real) heavy hearted pain I've been carrying for the last couple of months is less, which is like recovering from a sickness. And I know I'm playing a terrifying game now against time - at any time, she'll announce her new man, put pics up, or engagement or even marriage. (Just typing that made my heart sink and my stomach drop). and I know I need to be in the 'not giving a shit' frame of mind when that happens, or it'll kill me all over again.

The other half is scaring me. Because as pathetic as it seems, I've hung onto the memories of her, to keep it fresh in my mind, to keep me happy (kinda) and in a state of hope that if she changed her mind (unlikely as it might be) and asked me to talk to her about some kind of way we might be able to work on a reconciliation, I'll drop everything and run to be with her. The life, friends, proximity to my kids and my new job. But - If time and estrangement does what it will eventually do, I'll get to that 'not giving a shit' state and all I'll have in my mind is a bitter memory of the things she said and did that pushed me into sadness anger and near-breakdown, and I'll coldly tell her to stick it. Or worse.

Now, I don't like the sound of doing that. It's not me, it's not nice, and right now, I know I want her in my life in some capacity. Then again, from her recent actions, I think she'd actually welcome me being cold and abrasive - it'd give her a sense of freedom, she could happily tar me with the brush usually reserved for twatface, and that'd be that.

But I think about most of my ex's - let's take two of em - I was in love (at the time) with them, and now I regard them as useless flakes who ultimately led me on and lied about how much they claimed to love me - as long as it suited their needs. They mean nothing to me now. I wouldn't give them the time of day if they turned up on my doorstep in tears, needing a friendly shoulder to cry on. I'd slam the door in their faces. Sorry, love, you've had your time and I can only waste my time on you for so long.

If this state of mind arrives, it'll mean two things - again, both opposites:

A) I've moved on. Free of the pain and the melancholia, but also cold towards the girl who I loved.
B) I'll no longer be willing to reconsider life with her. And that hurts to think about.

I guess time will plonk a situation on me one day, sooner or later... The choices are thus:

"Can we get back together?"
"We're not getting back together, but can we be friends?"

Depending on what my state of mind, my answer will be different.

Let's say I'm fully over her and 'not giving a shit'....

"Can we get back together?" - Answer : 'No, not after what I went thru. Sod off.'
"We're not getting back together, but can we be friends?" - Answer: 'Maybe, but it willprobably fizzle out. Don't expect sympathy from me if it all goes pearshaped.'

Now lets say I'm still holding onto my (currently feeble) hope:
My answers would be:

"Can we get back together?" - 'Yes! Thank you! I won't let you down!'
"We're not getting back together, but can we be friends?" - 'No, it hurts me to see you with someone new.'

So this is what will happen. one of these four scenarios - guaranteed.

Right now I want her back with everything I have.

As stupid as everyone says I am, I'd still give up my job, friends and geographical proximity to my kids to move to her and have children while trying to get a day job. She won't sacrifice anything for me, to get everything she wants from me. But I'd still give it all up for her. I love her so much it aches. I still can't bear to think about us not being together again. I want to marry her so much.

I'm learning skills now that'd get me a better job somewhere else, not to mention the income is steady and making life easier. If we did get together, I couldn't go see her for a solid week as before because of work. Would she dump me because that? Would she say "either you move here or we can't be together, because I'm not moving to you."? Probably.

I guess the resolution I need can be two things, ideally:

1) I get over her very soon, making myself impervious to any more heartache.
2) She asks to come back soon, before I lose my love for her.

I'm pretty sure I've told her everything I could and begged her until my heart hung heavy. she's rejected me, said no, told me to go away, said she can't, and done all she can to dissuade me. So I guess she'd prefer me to be hostile and cold towards her now - it'd suit her requirements perfectly. As I said before.

But is that the right ending for a love story? The fitting end to our fairy tale?
Right now, I'm saying no.

weirdly..

2011-11-27T20:40:00.002Z

it's nice to have a new job after such a long time.
I hate the feeling of being a noob, and of having so much to learn so quickly. I hate making cockups due to my newbie status, and I can't say I love getting up at 7am but I like the feeling of having an office, a chair, TWO computers and some decent people around me. Nice and warm, office labrador, cups of tea and sarnies. NO dress code, no dumbass factory grunts and the boss is a nice old bloke.
And after that, I get paid at the end of the week. Not a fortune, but it fits my level of 'expertise' which isn't v high as yet.

Shit could be worse.

Girl...

2011-11-26T18:11:00.004Z

You're so pretty.

It's a blessing and a curse to me.

I can, for the rest of my life, say I loved the best looking woman I've ever seen. An angel in human form. Uncomplicated, effortless beauty. I've seen how strangers on the street smile at you. You brighten their day without you even knowing it.

The curse is threefold:

Your beauty will attract a horde of admirers whether you want them or not. Not many of them will have your best interests at heart. Though they'll no doubt tell you what you want to hear, none of them will love you as deeply, completely and warmly as I do.

To add to that, the sheer number and immediacy of new interested men in you will serve to pull you further and further away from my heart and my memory. The distraction drives a wedge between us, and you'll forget me very soon. But I'll be left alone, with a picture or two to remind me of your wonderful eyes and your irresistible smile.

Finally, having loved you so intensely, your memory will prevent me from choosing another person to love - nobody will compare to you. I can't settle for second best after knowing the finest.

You know me. You know what everyday life is like with me. We've had a year together to find out this. Was my moment of worried reluctance really so bad that you had to instantly throw me away? Let's talk about it. I'm not saying let's get back together instantly, let's just agree to terms, let's work on a scheme that will reassure your heart that our future together will be a good one. It's all still waiting for us. Me and you.

Not some new guy who just wants the initial few months of uncommitted passion, not some guy who you can't trust to stay faithful, not some guy who might run out on you when things get too much for him (or he realises you're pregnant), not some guy who'll raise his hand to you in anger. Not some guy who you have to introduce to your child and hope they get on. Choose me. I'm not perfect but I'm perfect for you, my future is yours to command. Make my dreams come true and I'll look after us all for the rest of our lives, I promise.

Merry Christmas baby. Wherever you are.

If you can read this....

2011-11-25T22:53:00.002Z

let me know in some way? Twitter message?

It's just that I miss being in some kind of contact with you. Keep it simple.

I know I told you to block me and forget me, but life's a bit crap without you in it.
I'm too scared to email or text you.

Perfect lyrics for the way I feel...

2011-11-25T21:14:00.004Z

You're the air that I breathe
The sun when it breaks through the clouds
You're all that I need
But I know that you're having some doubts
I'm down on my knees
I pray you'll stick this out
Beggin' you please girl
I'm sorry I let you down

I'm broken like a promise
I'm shattered like a dream
I'm broken with all my pieces scattered 'round for you to see
I'm broken like a record
I sing the same old song
I'm broken like the heart of a man that's run away from love too long
Girl what about you
What about you girl?

It's so hard to speak
I can barely look you in the eye
It's so hard to breathe
But I know I ain't afraid to die
Your breath is so sweet
Your kisses could get me high
My heart is so weak
But your loving could get me by

I'm broken like a promise
I'm shattered like a dream
I'm broken with all my pieces scattered 'round for you to see
I'm broken like a record
I sing the same old song
I'm broken like the heart of a man that's run away from love too long
Girl what about you
What about you girl?

I'm broken like a promise
I'm shattered like a dream
I'm broken with all my pieces scattered 'round for you to see
I'm broken like a record
I sing the same old song
I'm broken like the heart of a man that's run away from love too long
Girl what about you
What about you girl

Girl what about you ?

First week's work over.

2011-11-25T19:44:00.003Z

Well I'm done for the week. It was pretty good, I actually did some work that didn't suck. But I've got a mountain of stuff to get to grips with - and a Mac. And my kids cancelled on me again this week...

My plan for the foreseeable future is: work and save, work and save. Still don't know if I'll troop ever again, or whether I'll make the Voc Robot costume. I'll sell a run of heads but there's little point in trying to make the costume now.

I need to get past Xmas which will be cold and lonely, and try to accrue some savings. Only money in the bank and the skills I'm learning at work might possibly help me achieve my dreams now. Well, some of em.

I do still feel empty inside. Very little cheers me up now. Not that I think my friends' attempts to make me happy are no good, but the weight of sadness in my chest keeps it dampened down. I've already decided that life on my own is the only way to go on if I can't be with the one I lost.

I suppose I should be grateful that I chose to go on living at all.

But as I'm still breathing, I'll never forget the good times, or my biggest mistake which ruined it all for me. Or, in all honesty her instant dismissal of me, with no attempt to forgive me or talk it through. Like D said - 'it looks like she was just waiting for any excuse to leave you.' I hope that wasn't the case. If it was - WHY did she not talk to me about it? I'm not unapproachable! I've always said we should communicate to survive. And I remember the hours and hours and hours of talking when we met - at least 30 - 50 mins EVERY night on the phone, an hour on skype video (I'll miss those chats so much too!)

Sigh. I hate feeling so doomed. But nobody else can match, replace or distract me from her.

Convenient fb pic of the day..

2011-11-25T18:03:00.002Z

All you gotta do is stay.

2011-11-24T23:50:00.001Z

Don't Walk Away

Why do I say, don't walk away?
You'll be the way you were before, when you don't want me anymore

Don't turn around
Don't ever leave
A lonely room where empty days
Are gathering to meet me when you're gone, gone
How in the world will I go on?

Don't walk away
all you gotta do is stay

Chorus:
Don't walk away, don't say goodbye
Don't turn around, don't let it die
When shadows fall, when day is done
All through the night, all of my life
Don't walk away

Is it a dream?
When will it end?
When everything we've ever known has ended and I'm all alone

Where will I go?
Where will I be?
The feelings that I've never shown
Maybe I'll find the answer when you're gone, gone
How in the world will I go on?

Don't walk away

...All you gotta do is stay

Aww, missing stuff...

2011-11-24T20:19:00.006Z

We never got to dance together. :(

(she never got to see me sing/rap on the old karaoke too. dammit!)

I wanted to pop the question in public, probably surrounded by her friends and family, on one knee just to watch her face beam with embarrassed excitement.

I wanted to enter the venue of wherever we were getting married and see her standing there, looking every millimetre the most stunning girl in the world.

I wanted to be the proudest bloke on the planet, kissing my wife for the first time, with her son and my daughters watching (and probably blushing).

We could've woken up the next morning, probably very tired and a little hungover and smiled at each other with a 'Morning Mrs. C...", "Morning, Mister C!"

We could've painted the rooms of our house together.

We could've announced the imminent arrival of our first child. FOrget what I said before, I want to do this now. SO much.

I wanted to hold her hand as the baby emerges, and bite my lip in a feeble attempt to hold back the tears.

I wanted us to do that and so much more.

On my side of thinking, that's all still possible. On hers....probably not. :( But there's no reason to say that it definitely can't happen! None at all!

I miss the past, and now it seems I'm missing our future too.

337 days of being Mr Right versus 1 day of being Mr. Wrong...

2011-11-24T20:11:00.000Z

Well, at least she's ok.

2011-11-23T23:35:00.006Z

Heard from a friend of hers that she's ok. So that's good.

The friend meant no offence when she said she hoped I'd moved on and said: "I'm sure you'll make some lucky woman so happy; you just need a bit more confidence in yourself"

I had to admit, that's impossible.... Any confidence I had has died after the way I totally crushed the heart of the woman I loved so much. How can I feel confident about anything after that?

I told her I'm not looking for anyone, and won't be for a long time. To be honest, the thought of 'moving on and finding someone new feels really disrespectful to the memory of our time together. As I've said previously, this was no ordinary quick fling, and as such, I'm not going to cheapen it by picking up someone in a pub and saying"my ex? meh, meant nothing to me..."

More to the point, what's a 'lucky woman'??? You mean some poor unsuspecting girl will meet me and I'll screw her up as badly as I did last time? I'd rather not.

Plus, the pain I'm in is reason enough not to do it again with anyone new. My heart is broken, my face no longer smiles and the only word on my mind is 'sorry'.

I think she believes that I can't handle the truth that I screwed up - well, I can TOTALLY handle it - I've admitted it to myself and her countless times. I *KNOW* I messed up a perfect life. (But a two-way discussion and a little forgiveness might've helped).

Nobody is to blame but me. I know I ruined my wonderful life and broke her heart. I can't forgive myself for making her cry. Hurting her so badly that she wanted me out of her life forever. I'm paying the price for my stupidity. and this means I will never get into a situation like that again. It's safer to be alone forever.

Status update:

2011-11-23T21:18:00.002Z

I'm missing my space princess. :'(

I hope she's okay. and happy.

If she's not happy, all she has to do is contact me. I'll change that quick-sharpish.

2011-11-23T14:11:00.001Z

shudder

2011-11-23T12:51:00.003Z

There are some obnoxious, nasty little creeps out there, aren't there?
It's not cool to be proud of being a [c-word] , you orrible little [c-word].
Jump off something high, and do the human race a favour.

Just so you know...

2011-11-22T22:27:00.004Z

...I'm still the same ole me.

I drink me green tea and eat carrots

and eat bombay mix(with tweezers)
I still plug me feet into adidas trainers every morning
I still do me sit ups every night (almost)
I still speak as Ace Ventura / Jack Sparrow / Patrick Warburton / Camp voice when I feel the need to be funny

I still eat minced beef pie sarnies and drink pints of water.
I still adore scramby egg, root beer and eggy bread stacks.

I still have man-crushes on Nathan Fillion / Barrowman / David Tennant / George Michael, Jim Carrey and Michael Keaton

I still act far too silly with adults and far too serious with my daughters.

I'm still the same. I'm only missing one thing.

First day over....

2011-11-22T18:01:00.006Z

Well, that was a blast from the past: The typical First Day on a New Job - where you hover around, not trying to look lost, make a bit of tea and try to take in lots of baffling new stuff. All the while you're thinking, "I hope the boss doesn't think this is the best I get...I'm lost at the moment!"

I'm sure it'll improve though. and the Office dog likes me.

I'm missing my ex a lot more at the moment. Dunno why - the job should be keeping me occupied, and it is, but because I'm not on the net and the mobile's off, I feel even less connected to the net, and thus, less connected to her in a weird way. Okay, I'm still blocked, and I can't look at any remaining pics of her on my home PC, so I feel more cut off. Which I suppose many (including her) will say is a good thing. But... she makes me happy, just to look at her picture. And a lot of our relationship was internet-based so it feels weird not having any connection to the net in the daytime.

I know, it's not healthy, I should man up/move on/etc, etc, etc.... but no.
Sorry, I can't. not just yet.

I've lost the biggest, deepest love of my life. It wasn't some fling, or crush, it was the most serious relationship I've ever had and it made me blissfully, unbelievably happy. It wasn't some random bird - this woman was my soulmate, my reason for waking up with a smile, the person I wanted to spend my every breath with. Am I supposed to just wake up and brush her under the carpet (like she's done)? Well, I can't. My heart doesn't work like that. I *like* thinking about her. I like remembering her holding my hand. I like going to sleep at night imagining she's just a few inches away. I'm not ready to hate her or give all that up.

I know she didn't want me obsessing about it, but I'm not hurting anyone. I'm not discussing this on fb any more, I'm not sending her PM's, emails, or texts. I'm just here in my little anonymous (kinda) blog, daydreaming of a life we could've had. And it still gives me a little warm glow inside.

I 'm not deluded or hanging on to a hopeless dream. (Even though it might seem that way.) I'm completely aware that we're not getting back together now, she's told me so in no uncertain terms. I'm not waiting around like a dog left outside tied to a lamp post, but I'm not looking for anyone else either. I don't want anyone who is substandard or less than she was. Why should I? Why go from perfection to 'any old thing will do'? As I've said before, my heart doesn't work like that.
I really wish we were in contact but I'm trying to be honest and save her from any further hurt - I really truly don't know if I could keep it platonic and talk about the weather, without slipping into talking about why we can't be together.

I know she doesn't want to do that, but I do wish I knew if she was okay, and not falling for people who are interested in her for the short term fun. It'd be hard not to care. But that's what she'd want from me: to discuss day-to-day mundanity and stay away from the deeper stuff. But having known her so closely, I can't just switch off the caring and the desire to be her man.

I don't want to be a pathetic jester who entertains her while she's looking for a new man. I wasted many years of my teens doing that for women who were just taking me for a ride and I got no relationship out of it, just a broken heart when they chose my macho mates and left me sad and alone at the end of the night.

She's far too beautiful, too stunning and loving to fade out of my mind. Certainly not voluntarily. If time does it, then fair enough, but I'm not looking forward to the day when I see a pic or remember her face and think, 'meh...waste of my time like the rest', like I do with other ex's.

She's way more important and special than anyone else. Which is why this situation is totally unlike any other break up. She was, is and always will be, the perfect girl. Whether with me or not, she was the most wonderful person and she changed me into a better man. And for that I will always think of her fondly. and I don't care how long it takes to fade away into a memory, she's made a lifelong impression on my heart.

I know I'll never get to touch the stars in the sky, but being close enough to witness their beauty is worth it.

Hope you're okay, miss, wherever you are. x

26 min 56secs and counting.

2011-11-21T20:52:00.002Z

...and ebay will make me a little more upset. *sigh* How can something SO right go so wrong?

My fault? Yes, but I apologised repeatedly, removed the limitations, begged and....oh, what's the use?

scared,scared, scared.

2011-11-21T20:13:00.001Z

new job is tomorrow. Scary.
Other things coming up. scary.
Poverty looming! Scary!
Uncertain future! SCARY!!!

And not a moment too soon!

2011-11-21T16:50:00.003Z

Skating on the thin ice of bankruptcy!

Down to my last £20. My card failed at Tesco, I had to buy and post a birthday present for my estranged brother (Btw, my eldest daughter is being interviewed at his workplace tomorrow! Nice of her to let me know innit? The communication works both ways.), and I need money for travel and dinner this week in the new job, which starts tomorrow.

I *really* hope they pay wages on friday, or I'm stuffed!

But I got a political cartoon, a voice job and a small graphic to do tonight which might bring a few squids in, before the overdraft goes overdrawn....its so close it's terrifying.

Still no word or payment from the TV advert client - utter tosspot has gone WayWayWay beyond normal payment terms now and threw his toys out the pram when we POLITELY asked him to settle up. Grr.

Anyway should be getting monies from the 2 costume sales v soon.
And it's new job tomorrow! eeeeek!

Things I didn't get to do

2011-11-20T22:51:00.001Z

Write her a song, paint her portrait, get her name tattooed.

I guess if I had done those things, I'd be a little more upset right now.

So Lost

2011-11-20T22:19:00.004Z

It feels horrible, I'm still missing her terribly. Knowing who she is, and what she cares and worries about. I just wish I could be there to keep her happy. The horrible thing is I'm pretty sure she's not thinking about me any more. Or if she is, it's probably just that I messed up and hurt her. But there's nothing for her to lose by staying with me for a while longer. I'm not going to cheat hurt or lie to her. I lived for her smile and she was everything to me. I'm missing out on cinema with her, telly, walks into town, hot chocolate, smallboy's birthday and christmas and so much more. It's a total tragedy, a waste of a really good thing. We were so blissfully in love and now she feels like it can't go on. I said from day one that trust and proper communication would keep us together, and now it's let us down, and we're not even talking. I miss her so much.

and yes. I know I sound pathetic. But I'm only being honest with myself.

Zero 'Progress'. Ah well. embrace it.

2011-11-20T21:27:00.002Z

You tell me that you're leaving,
and I'm trying to understand
I had myself believing I should take it like a man
But if you gotta go, then you gotta know
that it's killing me
And all the things I never seem to show,
I gotta make you see

Girl it's been so long, (tell me) how could it be
One of us knows the two of us don't belong
in each others company
It hurts so much inside you're telling me goodbye
you wanna be free
And knowin' that you're gone and leavin' me behind
I gotta make you see:

I still love you

People tell me I should win at any cost
But now I see as the smoke clears away:
the battle has been lost
I see it in your eyes, you never have to lie
I'm out of your life
Tonight I'll dream away and you can still be mine
But I'm dreamin' a lie, dreamin' a lie
makes me wanna die

'Cause I still love you

And when I think of all the things you'll never know
There's so much left to say
'Cos girl, now I see the price of losing you
will be my hell to pay
My hell to pay, each and every day
hear what I say

I still love you

that'll work...

2011-11-20T20:03:00.002Z

put Rachel Garley, Paige McFarland, Amanda Holden, Sheena Easton and Tina Hobley into a blender, hit the button, pour it out into a mould and send her my way. Otherwise I'm not interested.

guhhhhh..

2011-11-20T18:38:00.002Z

...rrgh.

Okay, so I got sloshed last night in Weston. Wasn't a bad night in all, the most expensive sausage & chips and then one very odd tasting pint of bitter followed by lots of JD's & Cokes.

Lots of dancing (one girl came over, danced with me for a bit then told me I wasn't doing it properly. Thanks love.)

hurt me hand on the 'test your punch' machine and had a bust up with Lee which made him storm off at the end of the night ahead of me & Rob but neither of us could remember what it was about in the morning.

B&B messed up and gave us a double bed - no thanks. Had to sleep on a single mattress on the floor.

Still wobbly today, feeling a bit melancholic and apprehensive about the VERY busy week I've got coming up. And the painting. And the Tax return. And the job.

Actually, the job is the least of my worries.

I think I have to go back on what I said about getting sloshed on a regular basis. It's way too expensive, I'm not getting anywhere with it and I've discovered a weird mental block: Everywhere I go, it's like I mentally ignore the women. They're erased or out of focus, which is my brain's way of telling me, "she's not her, she's not her either, nor her" etc. So I'm essentially in a world of men and out of focus shapes. Not great. I was hoping getting out there would help me but it's still not doing much. Weird. Plus I can't afford it all the time. I want to get xmas out of the way and look into saving a bit of cash, maybe for a holiday. But that'll just become a week of getting drunk in a hot country. With the same faces for company, which is beginning to do me nut in, tbh.

And the hangovers aren't nice either.

...

2011-11-19T10:31:00.000Z

Not as good as James Brown...

2011-11-19T10:19:00.002Z

...but I do feel good.

(despite the ongoing tension headaches and insomnia)

I woke up with this phrase in my head:

"I can't be your friend,
but
I will NEVER become your enemy."

That makes me feel better about things.

Feeling unwanted is the worst feeling there is.

2011-11-18T22:56:00.001Z

That is all. :(

Mini-break coming up.

2011-11-18T22:05:00.003Z

Well, it's 4 hours of 'pretending' to be 'someone' at the signing tomorrow, and then I'm off to Weston for an evening of r&r with 2 mates.

Bod knows why I do this - well I know *why*, it's the distraction thing. But why can't we just find other methods that cost a little less and require less faffing about like packing, driving and stuff?

Ah well, it'll be fun I hope.

At the very least I'll get sozzled again and I'll ask the guys to confiscate my mobile until the morning so I can't blog or text or do facebook until I'm sober.

And when I get my job, I can keep on drinking every fucking weekend as long as I like, because (a) Who says I shouldn't? and (b) I'm my own person now.

At the end of the day...it's whatever it takes right? Gotta occupy my mind with something as opposed to someone.

Next time...

2011-11-18T22:04:00.001Z

I'll know when / if I meet the right one, because she'll love me unconditionally. I haven't had that yet.

letter to my daughters

2011-11-18T15:44:00.004Z

This may come as a bit of a surprise to you, but I love you.

I know we spend very little time together these days, but you two are the reason I'm still alive.

I once got so low that the only thing stopping me from finishing myself off was the fact that I had a five-year old to look after, and I didn't want anything to happen to you. That was you, my eldest.

My life had no meaning before you were born. I was a young ambitious dreamer with no idea where I was going.

Meeting your mother was the thing that ultimately led to your creation, even though it also led to the worst experiences of my life. She lied, cheated and bullied me almost continually from day one, and it ruined my trust in women, made me doubt my ability as a father and forced me to walk away from you. Later on she tricked me again just so you could have a sister.

I took her back at least four times to try and provide you with a father figure, but she kept on cheating on me and when I told her I couldn't take it any more, she threw me out and told everyone, including you that 'we just didn't get on'. What was I supposed to do?

To this day, she continues to treat me like dirt, even though I don't do anything to hurt her. She complains that I don't make much of an effort for you two, but you need to know that I did my best for you every step of the way. Every time I bought clothing for you, it got thrown out before you'd even worn it, and most of my Christmas presents are given last place, unopened or thrown into a cupboard straight away.

My Christmases are incredibly sad times for me. I'm given an hour (if I'm lucky) on Boxing day to see you open your presents, then asked to leave, because she wants it to be all about her and her family. One year I walked a mile to see you, only to be told that my presents were opened on Christmas eve, and not even in your house. TEN MINUTES later, she asked me to leave.

I cried all the way home.

I used to see you four days a week, and overnight on weekends. Now it's only as an unpaid babysitter if she's working. And never every weekend in a month. Usually it's only 2 or 3 out of 4. and for most of those, I never see my eldest daughter. I know you have friends, a boyfriend, work and partying to occupy you, but try to remember your Dad once in a while? I come over to see you, too.

I once threatened to take the advice I'd been given and take her to court for some fair treatment, but all she did was cancel my weekend visits for a couple of weeks to teach me a lesson.

Since then, what I've done is play the 'long game' - I don't complain or have a go at her, I pay what I'm asked to and keep my mouth shut even though I'm insulted every step of the way.

She still hates me so much, and I don't even know why - well, I imagine it's because I refused to let her play any more mind games with me and took a stand. She probably tells you how I don't care about you two and how horrible I am, but can you remember the last time I raised my voice to you or smacked either of you? That's because I never did. I never had to. You always behaved with me and I always treat you like adults. I'm most proud of this.

I'm very proud of you two and I hope that one day you'll realise it. You are two incredibly talented and beautiful girls and everyone is amazed at how well-behaved, polite and decent you both are.

I love you and always will, no matter what happens.

Dad
x

TO Do List...

2011-11-18T15:21:00.003Z

Finish Canvas painting (pick up glaze meduim)

Book Signing 12-4
Get v sloshed in Weston
Inland Revenue paperwork
EP Cover art
Mon21st: Older Bro Birthday
Office Monday for K2 rewrite
Work Tues :)
Office Weds with Jack Bauer (beer)
Work Thurs & Fri :)
Kids Sat
Sculpt to Skip
Crimbo shop - at least start it!

Oh noes, Christmas is coming...

2011-11-18T12:58:00.002Z

What do you get for....

a) The gay man who has everything he could ever want?
b) The 18 year old girl who has it all already?
c) The 10 year old girl who is so content she needs or wants nothing?
d) The 78 year old man who prefers to spend time with you?
e) The ex girlfriend who wants nothing more than for you to forget her and move on?
f) The old man who has only a year to live?

It's not easy.

All the same...

2011-11-17T23:06:00.003Z

Time passes inevitably but slowly
Its cloak shrouding days past
Sitting alone in a house of silence
Seconds drip by, matching heartbeats
But only questions remain
Daylight is far off
So unspoken thoughts
Become the quiet medium of choice
Tonight's topic: where will I go?
What will I do? Who will I see?
Future unclear, Past all too obvious
Present undecided. In daylight
The prevalent apprehension dims
But night reveals the doubts
Forcing a shiver to settle in
Another hour passes
Or is it a minute? Hard to tell now
As fatigue dulls the senses
And a pillow begs for attention
But will sleep take hold
Or will daylight arrive first?
Then the thought dawns clearly:
Someone loved me.
This is true: the only fact
To be certain of.
More than they loved themselves,
They hung upon my every word
They held my hand
And smiled at my voice each night:
Lightning in a bottle, glimpsed so briefly
Then back to sleep
With a warmer heart
She closes her eyes and forgets again.

There are few things sadder in the world than...

2011-11-17T20:57:00.000Z

...selling an un-used engagement ring on Ebay.

Well, one thing sadder is...

...not getting any bids on it. #cry

little things.

2011-11-17T20:11:00.002Z

I still like Green Tea, though. That's one thing I suppose.

Blue (armed with Love)

2011-11-17T16:12:00.001Z

Everyday it seems my smile's a little harder
And everyday I seem to laugh a little less
Living this way it seems my sky's a little darker
You went away and left me lonely in success

Can't you see me falling apart?
Can't you see me falling apart?
Can't you see?
Can't you see me falling apart?
Can't you see me falling apart?

Can't you see what's happening to me?

(Blue)
Take this hand and show my fingers where my heart is
Understand you may just save me from despair
Watch this man you'll see he can't stop what he started
Take this hand you'll see right now there's no one there

Can't you see me falling apart?
You laugh at me as I fall
Can't you see me falling apart?
Just tell me tell me give me one good reason

Armed with love I could save my heart
But on my own I just can't make it
I'm too weak to fight so take it
Armed with love I could save my heart
But instead I watch it die

Armed with love I could save my heart
But on my own I just can't make it
I'm too weak to fight so take it
Armed with love I could save my heart
But instead I watch it die

Tell me, why why why

more changes.

2011-11-17T13:22:00.000Z

Changed the blog up a bit, to tighten security and keep unfriendly peepers less clued-up as to who I am.

This blog is home to a lot of my deepest thoughts and feelings and as such, I don't want my worst enemies to read it, nor my potential new employers. They'd think I was insane. (and let's face it.....)

Anyway, it's for me mostly. I don't write in here for anyone's benefit, like the sad emo that I am. Although I don't mind if anyone reads it and gets some entertainment out of it. But I'm trying to make a point of not mentioning too specific details like names etc, to keep it vague. Cos at the end of the day, I know what I'm on about.

A break. Finally a welcome break.

2011-11-17T12:45:00.000Z

Well I seem to have done alright. Thank Bod for that.
I'm starting a trial of a couple of days a week, and that doesn't include Monday (result!)

I really, REALLY needed this to come off, for the main reason of bolstering my confidence and keeping me focussed on day-to-day stuff instead of the dark clouds currently surrounding me.

It's not a massive wage, but then again, it's not about the money at all, even though that will free me up considerably to have actual spare time to write, etc.

The early starts will take some getting used to but it's a longer day so the exercise will help me too. I think I've got a free lift in, anyway.

At least I won't have long sessions on Facebook, wasting hours and dwelling on the past. I won't have the scary thoughts of, "Okay....where's my next meal/trainfare to see the kids coming from?"

There are lots of plusses and very few minuses. And that, for a change, is very welcome. I might even find some self-worth along the way.

Right now, I'm experiencing a lot of days that I keep describing as 'the first day of the rest of my life'. I won't lie and say I'm happy about where I've ended up emotionally, but as time crawls on, I know the past's good and bad experiences will slide into less painful memories, and that's all I can hope for really.

On the brink of slightly-more-than-average mediocrity.

2011-11-16T23:27:00.000Z

Tomorrow, armed with portfolio, I have an important meeting. One that will decide which path I take in life.

If I succeed, I'll be looking at a real change of lifestyle: back to early commutes, dealing with workmates, eight or more hour days and a certain tie to the area in which I live.

But the place isn't a million miles away, the workmates are pretty decent people and number less than ten, the work is something I'm interested and fairly good at, and there's a pay packet in it for me. Fuck knows I've needed one.

Moving to Cardiff, or further afield will be out though. I thought I'd move back there at some point. I'm not complaining at all really. I've no reason to move, and I do like it where I am. But I don't want to feel like I've outstayed my welcome at all. I know I've been a real burden recently.

Oddly, I do wonder what'd happen if things had gone differently: Would I have been persuaded to turn this chance down in favour of a big move and a shop job, just to be with the one I love and the promise of a different kind of new life? Probably. But that path has stopped and crumbled to shit now - no point in bemoaning what will never happen. Tried me best, and failed miserably. Sooner I accept that the better.

I've got to look at what's real now, and this path has actually come at a time when I needed it; a change of pace, job, income and environment. I'm still in shock, confused and wobbly on all fronts and I still hate myself with an unshakable fucking rage.

So needless to say, I need more to distract me from myself before I self-destruct. And this will do nicely.

I have literally no idea where it will lead or where my life is going now, from one day to the next. All I want to do is get my kid's Christmas presents bought and pay the rent. Everything else is just a bonus.

Last Christmas - I can hardly remember it now - I didn't have much of a good time, as I was separated from my kids, my girl and I found myself being deeply insulted twice in one night. This year, it'll be a slightly quieter affair, but I've got somewhere to go where the insults won't be thrown, the food and drink will be plenty, and I'll be walking distance from my kids and brother. I might be driven slightly mad, but it could be worse.

So here's to the new path, whatever it brings.

If I don't get the job, I'll just trundle on doing pretty much the same as before, but the lack of a steady wage will soon see me out on the street. If that happens then I'm just getting what I deserve for my past sins.

Tomorrow I'll have a better idea...

Kudos to the successful.

2011-11-16T10:11:00.000Z

My housemates are just fucking awesome.

Aside from the fact that they put up with me messing the place up and moping around like a sulky fuck, and have let me stay here for over five years at a super-low rate which, frankly, has saved me from homelessness without a doubt.

Aside from the fact that for the last three months, I've been at the lowest point in my life, equal to 2004's clinical depression, (which ironically, didn't involve a 'Black Sunday'. Hmm). They were non-judgemental, understanding, patience and K's advice and common sense really saved my sanity and a lot more.

No, aside from those things which should be enough to qualify them for canonization, they have also been having a rough patch. But this is the awesome thing: they recognized it. They talked about it. More than once. They wrote their issues down and responded to them. They gave each other space to think. They accepted that no relationship is without those grey areas where you have to 'agree to disagree'. They decided that their relly was good and worth saving. They put a plan into action to save their relationship. And they survived it. And that's what makes them fucking awesome. I'm proud and touched by their total commitment to each other despite difficulties and drawbacks. They fought for it where they could've easily taken the easy option and walked away. That's what life's all about. Faith and strength and trying hard. Giving AND taking and meeting each other half way. I wish my relationships were that good.

They've been together for as long as I've lived here, and that's an amazing achievement. Even more so in my eyes as I can't hold anything together for too long. Five years... Kudos. Shows me just how pathetic mine was, and proves I'm not cut out for a decent relationship or lasting happiness.

And on top of all their day to day stuff, they never once told me "Dude, we've got enough on our plates, so stop fucking whinging about your failed relationship." - Although they probably thought about it. I wouldn't blame them. But they provided a lot of support when I lost it all. That feeling of being listened to is probably what changed my mind at the last second.

I don't often wear hats these days, but I'll take mine off to them. They deserve all the joy in the world because they never once gave up - on themselves, their life together, or the useless old fucker in the spare room.

Job. Progress. Distraction. Multitasking.

2011-11-15T21:26:00.000Z

Well, on Thursday (its Tues today), I'm off for a second meeting with a potential employer.
The rumours are that I'll be offered a full time job, probably commencing after Xmas as the guy wants to see how busy he is after the Xmas rush dies down, which is fairy nuff.

It can't come at a better time. Bod knows I need to get out of the house and do stuff to keep my mind off heavy shit. On the minus side, it ties me eve tighter to the valleys and makes moving house trickier - Cardiff would be even further away, adding time and money to my commute.

On the plus side, and there are many, I'll hopefully be able to get off the Self-employment wagon for a while, top up my savings, enjoy my spare time, draw for fun, record some new songs, pocket any jobs on the side and learn new stuff in a friendly environment where the people seem decent. A bit of a learning curve but I know I can do it.

The Inland Revenue are 'reviewing' me at the moment - basically looking closely at my accounts to see if they can find a way to stop me claiming Working Tax Credit. Well my trusty accountant is an ex-tax inspector, so I'm confident I'll be okay. So fuck you, IRS, you bunch of cunts.

Then there's the to do list to get thru. I'm fucking snowed under with things to finish up: A robot mask, a 1m x 1m canvas, two record covers/booklets, a graphic novel cover, a book cover, tweak and revise K2, a political cartoon, a crude xmas card, my last troop, a signing, a fucking wanky tv advert, and probably two or three other things my stupid mind has forgotten.

I hate turning down job stuff, but I also hate having ten things to do at once. grr.

Once I've done the xmas shopping (what do you buy when your pressies get ignored or thrown out?) I'll just look forward to my shirt and tie party: A few hours with a select bunch of good mates. This year has shown me who my true friends are. And I have a good few too. I'll be happy and safe for the first time in three months, away from the doom and gloom. Then 2012 will oipen with a new job and less scraping pennies just to buy food. Thank fuck for that. I've been through the fucking wringer and I'm ready to drop. I could do with some good news.

I wish they'd bugger off ...

2011-11-15T21:01:00.001Z

I've got something like four or 5 girls on my friends list who I was involved with in some way, some the sole date, some a little more but all of em told me it wasn't happening for one flimsy reason or another. Usually incorporating the line "I like you as a friend" or "Chemistry" or "I'm not looking to...." {whatever}

And yet they insist on adding to my fb list and socialising like I'm just some guy they know from the pub.

Why???

On the one hand, I don't feel major animosity towards them any more as time has helped that process, but I can't see the purpose in being 'friends'. I have enough...why are people from my past wanting to chat to me? I don't want to see their hubbies and fiances and babies!

But if I unfriend them they add me again. If I tell them why, I seem like the grumpy old fuck that I am (at the moment anyway).

Meh.

They'll fizzle out soon enough I guess. Hopefully their hubbies/partners will ban then from contacting any ex's.

I dare say that if my mind could fast forward about 3 years, I might be on talking terms with my ex too. But I can't see that at the moment. It's too soon to look at it objectively, and in three years, she'll be hitched and probably with more kids, which would definitely prevent the friendship thing - her hubby would not want me within a hundred miles of her, which is fair enough, I suppose. To add to that, this last one was, like i said, more than the usual everyday relly. It was too perfect, too deep and too meaningful to just go back to platonic buddies.

I just can't see how I could rein in my thoughts and feelings and talk about the weather with an ex-fiancee, while hearing about her wonderful new man. Only someone who didn't quite care that much could stand for that. For example....

One of my ex's...I finished with her because, for want of a more genteel term, she was nuts. And asking me to live in her 'Jeremy Kyle' world. After we split up, about 6 months later, she found a guy and had a baby with him. I was actually happy for her, because I knew I wouldn't have fitted in to her life happily. Sadly she got beaten up (again) and left with the baby (again). I would never have done that to her, but I am glad she's out of the harmful relationship. I'm also glad I wasn't that deeply into the whole relationship thing or the split would've hurt me more, and I would've been as fucked up as I am now.

Two of my male friends have taken the hard stance with me now, and to be honest, I expected it. I've done enough people's heads in with my constant analysing, obsessing and crying. One said:

"Just forget her. Put her out of your mind and get another woman, even if it's a rebound, it'll help you forget her. She sure as fuck doesn't think about you any more."

He's right of course, except even if I wasn't so hurt, I'd never do the rebound thing. Because I do care about people's feelings.

My conscience is still intact.

Which is probably whyI have 4 or 5 exes on my friends list, despite having nothing in common with them.

and so it begins.

2011-11-15T01:07:00.000Z

So this blog has gone from sensible stuff right through to painful and dark experiences, through to research, self-discovery and philosophy, et cetera.

Where to now?

Well, having made the decision (after thought and consideration, and despite a fair amount of disbelief and ridicule), I'm embarking on what I loosely call celibacy. (It's actually ABSTINENCE to be closer) See below.

The reason it's loosely called, is that it's pretty easy to be celibate if you're not in a position to be offered intimate relations. You're only truly celibate if you turn it down.

I have, you'll be surprised to read, done the celibacy thing before. And yes, I have turned it down a number of times with people I would ordinarily accept. It lasted about three years. And gave me a better outlook on life to be honest.

How is this possible? Because despite what most people think, I am an honourable person and if I believe in something, I will stay true to my ideals.

*disclaimer: Yes, I was adamant that I did not want to father more children a few months ago and I completely changed my mind. Why? Because of a very strong realization that my ultimate happiness was entirely dependent on giving the girl I loved the one thing she wanted. Once I'd realised that I had to guarantee my happiness in this way, I still stuck to the CORE idea of pursuing happiness for all concerned.

Anyway.

For the most part, it will be easy - I'm more Arm Pit than Brad Pitt, so I'm not exactly fighting off a queue of willing ladies. To put it closer, my love life is a desolate desert. If anyone IS interested in me (and there are very very few that are), then there's a very high statistical chance that I'm not interested in them.

Like the pop song* says:

It’s funny how the girls you fall in love with never fancy you
Funny how the ones you don’t, do
It’s a pity how the pretty girls don’t take the time to talk to me
Just walk away whatever I do

*Airhead, 1992

Still, the ones I don't fancy will count as opportunities to turn an offer of intimacy down. Kind of.

Nobody belives me at this point. I don't blame them, as I've been through a long, drawn out process of confusion, pain and emotional trauma recently, and I guess everyone at some similar stage in their lives says, " I'm through. I'm sworn off relationships..." etc. etc.

Which is exactly what I'm saying, but only time will prove I'm serious.

Now, being also brutally honest with myself, I will freely admit that my life is a rollercoaster of twists and turns, and I might live to regret this sweeping declaration. But let's just wait and see.

What I WILL say is, this time, I have an extremely painful break-up to remind me why I'm doing this.

I also have, looking just a bit further back, a years worth of what I will freely describe as the happiest time of my life with the most amazing woman I've ever met. So that will provide me with a 'bar' that's been set pretty frickin' high.

The upshot of which is that unless I meet a woman resembling Kate Beckinsale/Nicole Scherzinger/Vanessa Upton/Jessica Rabbit* who's high as a kite on the female equivalent of Viagra, I'm NOT going to do anything more than talk to her.

*for want of any other uber-babes. the list is endless.

I feel I'm now (emotionally) packed and ready to embark on this journey of self-absorbtion and cleansing.

Don't get me wrong. I'll happily meet new female friends. I'l socialise too. I'm not a Cyberman; I do have emotions. I'll always look twice at a pretty girl. But the doors close at relationship status, intimacy, going steady, getting off etc. Basically the easiest way to describe what I'm doing (or not doing to put it more accurately), is that I'll treat women the way I treat my male friends and acquiaintances. And as I have no doubts about my own heterosexuality, that's a good description.

At the end of the day, I've heard the age-old line:

"I like you.....as a friend..."

A zillion times before, so this period will see me saying it back to interested parties (should they appear) and it'll be interesting to see how it goes down when they get a taste of it.

ABSTINENCE DEFINITION:

Sexual abstinence is the practice of refraining from some or all aspects of sexual activity for medical, psychological, legal, social, philosophical or religious reasons.

Common reasons for practicing sexual abstinence include:

poor health - medical celibacy
material reasons (to prevent conception – undesired pregnancy – or sexually transmitted infection or transmission);
psycho-sociological reasons (e.g., clinical depression, social anxiety disorder, increasing testosterone in males, or negative past experiences); or,
legal injunctions requiring conformity.
circumstantial reasons such as incarceration or geographical isolation.
to focus on other matters – sublimation
inability to find a suitable sexual partner – involuntary celibacy
religious or philosophical reasons
physically or emotionally unprepared

(I'm doing it for psycho-sociological reasons : negative past experiences and to focus on other matters – sublimation)

As with everything else in this blog, this is for my benefit. It's a kind of therapy which DOES help me work my thoughts out in a clearer, more legible fashion. This blog has, in fact, provided a very valuable service, providing me with a place to rant, wail and vent my thoughts and frustrations. Drama Queen? Maybe. Knee-Jerk Reactions? Possibly. Leave me alone, I'm keeping myself busy and not hurting anyone!

One thing's for sure..

2011-11-14T01:19:00.000Z

...I'm not going to find the same happiness with someone new.

Nobody will be able to match what I had. Nobody will tick as many of my boxes.

And I've decided on a course of action (or inaction, to be accurate) for the rest of my life.

I'm gearing up to accepting that my life will now go on as a bachelor. I'm not looking nor wanting a new relationship, as it'd be a futile waste of time for both me and whoever. They'll never compare and I'll never be satisfied. I don't want to deceive anyone into thinking that I care about them when in reality, I have no caring left inside of me.

Despite the events of 'Black Sunday' (9th October) this year, it seems that I do have to go on living. If that's so, then I'm going to live my life the way I want to, and avoid another 'Black Sunday', because if it happens again, I won't be around to blog about it. I've not felt the need to tell anyone in detail. It happened and I made a decision. I don't know or care if it was the right one or not. Only time will tell.

Living the life that *I* want to means that if I choose to remain single for the rest of my life, then I will, and nobody has the right tell me that I have to find someone new or go on dates or anything. It's my choice to avoid the risk of new love turning into another heartbreaking tragedy like this one, thanks to my continued stupidity. Therefore the only smart move is not to get into that situation again.

I've proven to myself finally, that I'm not cut out to hold a relationship together - it's simple and obvious: When handed everything I've ever wanted, I still fucked it up royally, forgetting that I had perfection in my hands and the ideal life in front of me. I'm just not able, mature or equipped to hold a relationship together like others do.

I can do it, too. I've spent almost a decade alone in the past, and though I admit I really wanted a relationship then, it will not be the case this time. I've stocked up on a year of perfect, happy memories, and that's all I need to live out a self-sufficient, independent life now. This time I will reassure myself that I'm safe from pain, torment and everything I'm currently feeling from now on. And this is the only way I can avoid another Black Sunday.

So I'm looking to busy myself with a life that is free of dependency and emotional attachments. Only my children will be my concern. Falling in love is, for me (as I've found) a stupid and pointless way to ensure I'm left unhappy again. Having no one to care for will also mean no one will care for me. But that's fine. That's my job, ultimately. I'm just past the halfway point of my life, and the second half won't take that long anyway. I want to end it knowing I've not crushed any more young hearts. That alone would make forty years of single life worthwhile.

Onwards and Upwards!

Okay cats out of the bags!

Phew.

I love you. All of you.

Well, Ive done far more stupid things in my time...

300 mile round trip for a drink.

Ok, short deviation into the past..

Tour 2012 : trip #1 is a go!

Blade Runner : Still perfect after all these years

Limited postal success.... : /

UK Tour 2012 is taking shape!

Busy as ever, despite trying not to be!

Ooh! It's regenerated!

2013....

I don't wanna do this any more.

She opened up the wound again, not me -

hya hya hyaa!

/

Sooooo, from now on...

Proof of Karma

get a room!

In other news...

oh no, it's me, isn't it?

now the dislike phase arrives...

Bad times again, hence the new spate of blogging

checklist for TK #3

Fitting. Very inspiring for a modern pop song...

Life + Universe + Everything = 42

Time to stop?

Vous etres belle....

The happiness Scale: Common ground?

Is it wrong to care?

*sigh*

so close

Trepidation.

++ANSWERING MESSAGE++

cripes.

And So I Will Wait For You

at a crossroads, but the choices aren't so easy.

not my words...but they fit perfectly.

and as ever, the other wave hits me....

Concern is a one-way street , these days.

Kermie sez.....

Damn, that phone's quiet now.

looking at the future...

even though time has passed....

eventhough time has passed....

Status update:

"It doesn't matter what you go through,

but what you get from what you go through.

Never give up; there is hope for you if you believe..."

-William Ankrah

Angel

everlast lyrics

short poem.

Nobody knows.....And Everybody knows!

Do I ever....?

eventhough time has passed....

Something I forgot to say.

What you want...is not what I need but what they say I need.

weirdly..

Girl...

If you can read this....

Perfect lyrics for the way I feel...

First week's work over.

Convenient fb pic of the day..

All you gotta do is stay.

Aww, missing stuff...

337 days of being Mr Right versus 1 day of being Mr. Wrong...

Well, at least she's ok.

Status update:

*shudder*

Just so you know...

First day over....

26 min 56secs and counting.

scared,scared, scared.

And not a moment too soon!

Things I didn't get to do

So Lost

Zero 'Progress'. Ah well. embrace it.

sigh

shudder